I don't even know how to communicate to you how WILD it is to be here. Something about coming back to La Belette Rouge makes me so very aware of how very much my life has changed. I actually don't like that last sentence as it makes it sound like the change happened to me and I didn't make the changes. I am keenly aware of how I have changed my life and I am still doing so. And, let me just gloat for a minute, I LOVE my life. I LOVE it. Sure I am tired and overwhelmed and ocassionally scared and unsure, but I LOVE my life. It has been six months since I left my marriage and let me take this blog post to explore some of my accomplishments, transformations and milestones during the last six months:
1. In the last six months I went from a VERY tiny workload( 2-3 clients a week) to working close to 50-hours a week. I had believed and would have adamantly told you that I wasn't constitutionally capable of working so hard. I believed that 20-hours a week was my max and even then I would be EXHASUTED. I would have told you that I was a low energy person. I had this compelling argument about how as a therapist 20 hours a week is as much as one should work because it is emotionally demanding. Wrong!!! The more I do the more I can do. That said, I am kind of tired. Nine hour days are hard and harder still due to the three-hour-a-day commute.
2. I am still LOVING running, high-heels, and dresses. These three things are often what keep my going when I am tired and would rather stay in bed. Running is when I tend to feel my strongest and freest( two of my favorite qualities). I am still recreating my new-life wardrobe and I have developed a bit of a Diane Von Furstenberg dress addiction. I will post pictures of my last three purchases. I am wanting, at this point in my life, only wanting to wear dresses. I am liking being girly and I love how dresses allow me to just throw them on and look put together. I know that the gray dress looks kind of ordinary in the photo but it looks MUCH better on. And that first DVF dress looks AMAZING on. If I could I would wear it everyday---however it is a little too memorable for everyday use. And heels? yes, I still am wearing them and I don't care if they are a crutch or a symbol of a midlife crisis; I love them.
3. I have been able to take care of myself. I have done all kinds of things I NEVER thought I could do. I get my own gas. I have bought tires. I have gotten the oil changed. I installed a DVD player. I manage to do my own laundry and go to the grocery store after working ALL day long. I am sure you have been doing that for years but for me this is all new stuff and I am proud of myself. I am REALLY proud of how I have gone way beyond surviving. I believe that I am thriving. And I believe that I was lying to myself for years about my inability. I tell you this not to berate myself but to perhaps inspire you to ask you if you are someway not seeing all that you are capable of. You and me and everyone are all capable of MUCH more than we think we are.
4. I'm dating and I like it. Dating can be fun. I didn't ever imagine I would say that again. And I never imagined that there would ever experience another "first kiss"; I was wrong again. I am reading a wonderful book on relationship that is protecting me from repeating old patterns, "The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other". It is a must read for anyone dating or who has a danger to idealize the Other as the answer to all your prayers( those in search of a Soul Mate must read this book).
5. I am planning upcoming trips to Paris, Chicago and Portland, Oregon. None of these trips are particularly "weird". What is weird is that I have absolutely no interest in visiting Lake Forest or Bluff when I am back in Chicago. Can you believe it??????
6. I learned that I love Whole Foods Golden Soy Tofu. I thought I hated tofu; I don't hate it. I actually make special trips just to stock up on tofu. Who the hell am I?????? I have decided that I don't know what I like and that I am going to approach the world and my preferences with an attitude of curiosity.
7. I have, thanks to my gorgeous and generous friend, Cynthia, discovered my Holy Grail fragrance. My signature perfume of this time in my life is Carnal Flower by Dominique Ropion for Frederik Malle. Every time I spray this fragrance on I am reminded of my boldness, strength, femininity, power and willingness to risk. It's an unusual for a fragrance to serve as a mirror but yet it is doing just that. I wish I could scent this post with a few spritzes----it is GORGEOUS. A man who recently hugged me told me that I smell like a very expensive Indian Goddess. I am not sure what it means but I liked hearing it.
8.I got hair and lash extensions. Silly? Maybe. But its fun. I like not having to wear mascara and I like having long and thick hair; it's fun and sometimes fun is enough reason to do something. Want to see my new hair and lashes? Here is a picture:
9. I have during the last six months felt continually grateful that I live in L.A. and that I didn't ever get pregnant. This is miraculous and reminds me of how we never know how something will workout in the long run. I think so often of what Truman Capote said, " 'More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.'
10. I haven't had a lot of time for writing or thinking or blogging and that is sad. But it does feel important during this phase of my life to put the blogging and over-thinking on hold. That said, I so miss you all. I miss your blogs, your comments and *seeing* you as much as I used to. Almost daily I will think of you all and wish that there were more hours in the day.