Learning from loss

1. Having GREAT friends makes everything better and easier and possible---things like standing, walking, moving and breathing. I knew it before, but now I KNOW it. Truly, if you are going to separate from your spouse, I highly recommend getting a Wendy, Bernadette and Kirie of your own. I don't know how people do this without them. And I also recommend having a blog on which your readers leave you almost 100 comments in which they make you feel MUCH less alone and loved and cared about. I may be unlucky in love, but I am extremely lucky in the friends department. Thank you, lovely friends. 2. Writing lists helps a lot. Writing lists gives me hope that I will get through this. Lists are my life raft right now. I have lists going for everything, lists of: "How I will get a job?"; "Who I can turn to when darkness hits?"; "Evidence that I won't be alone for the rest of my life"; "Great things about living alone", "What I need to do between noon and five p.m.?"; "What one action can I take that might make me feel a little better when feeling better feels impossible?" and 100 others. 3. If you are going to have a complete earthquake, tsunami and/or other inner shakeups it is best to have them when you are at your skinniest, most secure about your potential success, and at your mental health best. If I wasn't all of those things I can't even imagine what a mess I would be.

4. Beauty helps. Music; flowers on my desk; dressing the best I can; sitting in the garden and drinking tea helps. Flower essences help. Noticing snow on the mountains and birds in the trees, all of that helps. Each day I am taking a video of one moment of beauty and when I get flooded with feelings of overwhelm and anxiety I return to that moment of beauty. Here's today's:


5. Exercise helps a lot. That hour on the elliptical is not for physical fitness, it is for evidence of my emotional fitness. For the full sixty minutes I am telling myself how strong I am and how I can do more than I thought I could. I tell myself that I can accomplish all manner of things. For that hour as I move my legs up and down, for that hour, I believe it.

6. Having jobs on the horizon, that assure me that I will be able to take care of myself financially, really helps.

7. Not sleeping doesn't help. And I am not. Must see the doctor. Must get Ambien. Must sleep.

8. Reading is impossible. Can't do it. Don't have the ability to sit that long. I am feeling like a shark, must move or I will die. I could barely sit through getting my hair coloured yesterday. When I am not acting I am left with my thoughts and those thoughts can take me into dark territory.

9.  Being without Lily is the hardest. I can't even tell you. It is heartbreakingly hard. I am staying at a dog-free guest house and I am so greatful to be here. But being without my girl is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Sometimes I feel like the pain of not being with her will make my heart stop beating. I try and tell myself that this will pass and I will have a job and a place where I can be reunited with her.

10.  I am learning the lesson of 'one day at a time' in a way that nothing has ever  before taught me. When someone asks me questions that involve speculating about the future then I start to hyperventilate.  Now is definitely my time zone. And I am on the constant search for things that offer some hope that all will be well. I was so thrilled to find a lucky penny yesterday. When I got my new P.O. Box and it was #777 I was convinced, for a moment, that all would be well.