Not a straight line

I'm feeling a bit shaken, if I am going to be entirely honest and if I am not going to be entirely honest there feels no point in writing about it. It started on Thursday when I went for a run and I was feeling strong and brave and free and I was running like Wonder Woman on her way to save a burning building or a dude in distress and then I tripped and I fell. I fell hard. It was the kind of fell where I started imagining how the paramedics would find me and who I would call from the hospital to tell I fell. After a few minutes on the ground I realized that I had not in fact broken my hip and that I could get up even though it really hurt to do so. When I did manage to move from horizontal to vertical I discovered that I was bleeding and there was a good amount of it coming from my elbow, it was nothing that required but stitches but it was still bleeding and it hurt and there was no one to turn to. As I began my walk home I began to cry. I cried for reasons unclear to me. I cried, likely, because I was in pain. I cried, I think, because I was feeling vulnerable and alone and realized that when I got home there would be no one to care that I fell or that I was bleeding. I cried because I had no Bactine or band-aids and that after I got home I would likely have to get in my car and drive to the store. After I managed to get the wound clean and look at the formidable bruise that was forming on my hip I found myself longing to have someone I care about care that I had had this moment. No, it wasn't a big moment. I didn't need to go to the hospital. I didn't need x-rays or stitches. But I did need a little love. Metaphorically I needed my boo-boo kissed. My mind turned to a friend that I can count on and I reached out to this friend in an email asking for a little bit of sympathy. Sadly this friend was going through trauma too and so wasn't available to my mini-melt-down.

Ever since the fall I have been in a good bit of pain. Every time I move my arm I am reminded of my spill. Every time I go to sit down or stand up and I feel the pain I am reminded of my vulnerability that this fall evoked in me. Today was the first day that I dared to take a run( the hip pain is almost gone) and the entire time I ran I found myself feeling vulnerable and somewhat anxious that I just might fall again. I managed to make it my usual distance in my usual time without falling or hurting myself in any other way. Even so, I didn't feel strong or free or powerful as I ran, I felt scared and vulnerable and more than a little alone. And even as I am fine and unhurt and unscathed I find that I am in tears again and wanting my metaphorical boo-boo kissed.