Today I have had circled on my calendar for the last month. I have waited for it. I have talked to my therapist about it. I have prepared emotionally for it. My friends have texted me this morning to tell me they are thinking of me. Other friends will call tonight to check in with me to see how I am. If I told you the bullet points of my day today it wouldn't sound like a big deal to you.
- I am taking today off.
- I ran 2 miles.
- I drank a cup of coffee and ate a Luna bar.
- A gray and white horse, that lives next door to me, that I ordinarily embue with all kinds of magical and mystical qualities, seemed dull and ordinary to me today.
- Ashley came to my house to do my hair.
- I am going bird watching and I have no interest in doing so.
- At 5 p.m. I am going to get waxed.
- I have to buy files at Target.
- I need to buy food.
That is it. That is my day in a nut shell. Nothing is happening that is BIG in terms of outer events. Today's event is so subtle and quiet and without bells or whistles or any other indications that would make this a day that seems extraordianry that if you were with me, if you were to sit on my shoulder throughout this day you might not even know what exactly happened and why it all seems so serious to me. Actually, I am sure you couldn't tell. This shift is almost entirely an interior one. Today is the end of something, I think. It is the beginning of something else. And I know it. I can feel it. It is undenaible. It looks like an ordinary day and it is, I suppose. Deaths and births always happen on ordinary days. They don't seem ordinary to those to whom it happens but to everyone else they are 'just another day'.
I know I am being vague, I need to be. And even as I am being vague now I have never been so aware of noting the details of a day as I know that today will be turned into an essay or a short story or a chapter of a book, I can feel it. Knowing that makes it more tolerable some how.
The writing will begin with..."On August 17th I had an ordinary day that changed everything."