Still not pregnant

I just came from a favorite blog and this lovely girl, whose blog I have secretly admired, has just announced her pregnancy. And the truth is that I am really happy for her; I am REALLY happy for her. I tell you twice so as to convince you as I know you may not really believe me, but I am. I want her to be pregnant and happy. I am, as I mentioned a moment ago, happy for her. And I am happy for me too. I am. I am happy that, at 47-years-of-age, I am NOT pregnant. Again, I mean that. You've got to trust me on this. The last thing I want to be is 47 and pregnant. Wrinkles and morning sickness are two not-great-things-that-don't-go-great-together. You can probably tell by how little I blog that I am happy. I am busy and happy and grateful for how my life has turned out. I am. I am good. Life is good.

But all that said, I still can't hear about a pregnancy without all the pain and disappointment at my permanently child-free state. It just comes up. I tried to read this blogger's happy post and I couldn't. I had to leave her blog and come back to my blog, my blog that has no surprise ending of a miracle baby.

In January I am going to be part of a panel at the Fertility Planit Show in L.A. and the topic of my panel is "Letting Go of Having Genetic Offspring". And, it seems, that I am still in the process of letting go. Each month when Aunt Flow visits I discover I am still dealing with letting go of having genetic offspring.  Some months are better than others. This month ain't so good. This month I had my mother tell me that I will never know the real joy of the holidays because I didn't have children. This month my mother also told me that she worried about my old age as I will have no children to take care of me. This month I felt kicked in the ovaries again and again when I had more than my share of baby dreams and woke to discover that they were just a symbol that my psyche sadistically chose.

This month I am not sure why I am on that panel and/or what I have to say on the topic other than it is hard to let go of having genetic offspring and that it is a process and that somedays are better than others. Okay, that last sentence isn't entirely true. I do feel like I have something to teach on the topic of coping with the life -long grief that comes from being childless-not-by-choice. I know that it gets better and life gets better and that sometimes its worse than others and that silver-linings can be found, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt a lot sometimes. It does. And if you are hurting because of your childlessness, don't let someone tell you should be over it by now( I think I wrote that last sentence for myself).

Anyway, congratulations to the beautiful blogger with the baby on the way. And thanks, dear blogger, for inspiring me back to my blog. It's nice to be here again.