Category Archives: Objects

Clean your closet, change your life

Unknown-1 I know I am late to the party on this one, but I did know about it for a long time—I just didn’t think it was for me. I first heard about it a year ago when a friend mentioned Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: A Simple Effective Way to Banish Clutter Forever book to me while we breakfasted on French Toast, “I think you might like this book,” my friend suggested. I nodded amicably and responded in my head in the same way as when acquaintances suggested that I might want to come to their Amway presentation. A book on tidying up was not for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love a tidy house; my house is clean and neat and, I suppose, was even tidy—that is with a few key exceptions. My drawers, shelves and closets were, shall we say, less than what Martha Stewart, my mother, or anyone who frequents Containers R Us might approve of. Yes, I knew I could benefit from organizing, but I was a busy woman and color coordinated containers fell extremely low on the priority list. I simply wasn’t interested.

I had a particularly bad day where I felt ick, ennui, and like everything that could go wrong did go wrong. And there was a sense of feeling not as appreciated as I might in a situation that was totally out of my control. A friend of mine who has been a fanatic clutter buster for decades and has long tried to get me to convert to her personal religion, suggested upon hearing of my feelings gave me the following assignment as a means of ameliorating my agitation, “Get rid of ten things that you don’t appreciate.” On that particular day she could have suggested drinking pickle juice, doing the Hokey Pokey while listening to polka versions of the best of Metallica and I would have done it. So, I did it. And as soon as I got started I started to notice just how much stuff I was holding onto that I didn’t like, that didn’t resonate with me and that I no longer appreciated. It was obvious that there was some unciounsess and psychological issues in why I was holding onto much of this stuff. Just ten items and I could feel there was a lot more to be done.

Five minutes later I downloaded Marie Kondo’s book. An hour later and I was watching videos on Youtube on how to master Kondo’s unusual folding methods, a half hour after that and I had learned to turn my tee-shirts into adorable little vertical packets and I liberated my socks from the cruelty of their cramped constraints. Two days later and I had touched everything in my closet to test, as Marie Kondo suggests, if each and every item “sparked with joy”. The core of Marie’s text is that we need to stop holding onto objects that we no longer love. She wants us to engage with each item and only keep things if we really-really-really love them, and not because “they were expensive” or they are a good basic, or maybe some day we will need them. As I engaged in this spark test I was astonished to see how attached I was to keeping a pair of pants that were itchy and made me feel frumpy and the reason I didn’t want to let them go were that they were designer and that they weren’t cheap. However, the offending pants were never ever worn and just took room in my closet, and their presence in my closet made me feel sort of guilty and bad; into the bag of things to donate they went.

I will admit that I didn’t follow Kondo’s methods to the letter. I didn’t take everything out of my closets and drawers and put them all on the floor. I didn’t dress up as I tidied. I forget with great regularity to empty my handbag at the end of the day( Kondo believes handbags are happier if we let them breathe empty at the end of the day. Yes, I know, it sounds a bit wacky—but I know I am much happier if I take out receipts, rappers and deitrus that I accumulate during the day) and my shoes very often go unthanked( Kondo also believes in thanking our objects for their usefulness, which I can get behind as a kind of symbolic awareness of being grateful for what I have created in my life and not because I believe my shoes will be any happier or unhappier if I thank them not—I don’t believe my shoes are capable of happiness. However, I do believe I am happier when I am appreciative of what I have). And, countering what Kondo says, I don’t really believe I will never have to do this again. Kondo says if you do this once you will never have to do it again, however, I believe as we evolve, change and grow what sparks joy in us will change and so we will have to keep asking the question. In three short weeks I have found some that things that sparked joy when I initially did this and now they spark something more like ambivalence and hence they have gotten the ax too.

the-life-changing-magic-of-tidying-up_quote My results that came from following the advice in this book were nothing short of magical. I easily donated 30 bags of stuff to Goodwill and got very clear on why I am holding on to things that I don’t like( fear, guilt, and scarcity). My closets and shelves are so gorgeous that I have been accused of being a pod person and that perhaps the real Tracey has been captured by aliens. It has been almost a month and each and ever closet, drawer and shelf is as pristine as my first day of Kondosizing. I cleared out my garage( a full day ordeal in 95 degree weather in which I let go of tons of stuff from childhood and pervious relationships that absolutely do not sparkle with joy), my kitchen, and bathroom and all that remains are things that I really-really-really love.

images Please don’t get me wrong, this is very hard work. Engaging with your stuff and facing your past and seeing how you are holding onto stuff you don’t like is not easy. It was emotional to go though almost five-decades worth of stuff and be brutally and unflinchingly honest about what really brings me joy. The challenge, however, was totally worth it. The real magic that comes after all this tidying and spark testing is so extraordinary that I feel unable to adequately communicate my passion or enthusiasm for it( a second blog post on the topic is necessary, in which I will make the point about how in a way Kondo’s book is sort of a Next Happy book and that both books get you clearer about what you really really want and make you face why you are holding onto what isn’t working. Stay tuned for a post on that) isn’t about being tidy or having shelves that look like you have magical cleaning elves at your disposal, no, the real magic is that after I did all of this I realized that I was letting all kind of things into my life, my home, my closet, and even my mind, that didn’t really spark for joy. I had a lot of stuff that was making me feel the opposite of joy. This process made me aware of the scarcity, anxiety, and fear that made me settle or say yes to what I didn’t want. And it made me want to only surround myself with things that I really and truly love, and to not say yes out of ease, expediency, or convenience.

Whether or not you decide to Kondosize your house, I do hope that you think about only letting things in your life that spark joy and letting go of what isn’t working for you so you can get to your Next Happy.

Fancy Pants ( Clothing for Personal Growth)

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images-1 The other day I made a big move in my work life that was way outside of my comfort zone and it felt like a major leap that someone else would make, not a leap that little old me would make, but leap I did just the same. Post-leap I got hit hard with a big wave of “I am in big trouble feeling”. It was weird, I wasn’t sure exactly who I was in trouble with—but I knew for sure that the feeling was crappy and that I didn’t like it and that i wanted it to stop post-haste. When I did a scan of who exactly might be upset with me I thought of my signifigant other and yet that made abzolutely zero sense. I tried to brush off the feeling of “big trouble”, only I couldn’t. And the rational part of my brain assured me that no one would be upset with me for succeeding. Having done that, I still felt crappy, but tried to shrug off the icky-sticky-yucky feeling that lingered.

A bit later I shared the events of the day and the resulting feelings of ick to a good friend who has known me forever. I marveled, “why on earth would I feel like I am in trouble?”, expecting the question to linger in the land of rhetorical and unanswerable questions. However, immediately, my wise friend texted back, “Remember ___________________”,( name left out to protect the anonymity of the soon to mentioned ick-arouser), “well, he used to tell you ‘Don’t be a fancy pants, don’t get too big for your britches!'” My friend continued, “So, even though he isn’t here, you know he would not be okay with this kind of big leap in your life and so you are prepping for his reaction.” She was totally right.

This long ago and far away family member was big on calling me a “fancy pants” if I was ever to do anything that made him feel like I was surpassing family norms, which obviously seemed threatening in some way. And even though I intellectually know it is good, okay, and fantastic to be growing, leaping and expanding, that message of “don’t become too big for your britches”, the old message still haunts me, only it doesn’t haunt me so much that it is stopping me.

What I have decided to do is to literally find and buy a pair of fancy pants just to own it , “Why, yes, I am indeed a fancy pants and these are my fancy pants.” Such fancy pants may not be made for literal leaping, but these leaps are made for gold lame, psyche restructuring, limit lambasting, personal growth, and not so much about lycra or Lululemon.

The psychological significance of your purse, phone, and other seemingly ordinary objects

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Life is one big Rorschach test, as far as I am concerned. When out in the world I may look like I am shopping or doing chores, but in fact, what I am doing while I do those things is reading ordinary objects as a way to understand the unconscious aspects of people that I see in line at Trader Joe’s. Going to Costco for me is more like attending one big Sandplay convention, each person’s cart is a story that is so much for than just jumbo size Cheerios and a 48-pack of toilet paper, it is a container symbolizing the opposites—holding they life they have and, also, the life they want to have. Outfits are much the same, how we dress says a lot about our psyches— our sartorial signifiers reveal more about us than we might like them to and certainly more than we are willing to say out loud. Truly, everywhere you go there are symbols that surrounds us that look like mere ordinary objects and choices—ol;y they are more. If I could be known for a quote I might like it to be, ‘there are no small choices only small awarenesses of those choices.” I know it’s not as catchy as “don’t worry be happy” and even less likely to be made into a song by Bobby McFarren.

The question of “what’s in your bag” was a magazine and blogging phenomenon. It was so big that I actually think a psychological paper ought to be written about the meaning of our interest about “what’s in the bag?”. There is, me thinks, a kind of voyeurism and, to some degree, exhibitionism in it. LeAnn Melat wrote a PhD dissertation on “The mythical and psychological meaning of a woman’s purse”. I haven’t read it yet but I wonder if LeAnn might give is insight into why we are so curious about what goes on inside all those purses.

Melat gives us some clues : “Modern women almost always take their valuables and essentials with them in purses when they leave their homes, but psychologically, what are they actually reenacting with such ritualistic consistency? One theory of this hermeneutical discussion is that earlier historical feminine rituals are unconsciously reflected in today’s purse behavior. Because Western culture has devalued and underrated characteristics of the archetypal feminine, the repressed, but not lost, archaic traits of the feminine just may be symbolically stuffed away in the shadowy recesses of the purse, waiting to be reintegrated into feminine consciousness. Hestia was primarily the contained essence of each Greek home, and perhaps the modern purse as a psychic vessel of the feminine is related to this goddess’s archetypal realm. Through the purse’s Hermetic connection, the Hestian vessel is able to leave the home and be carried into the world, even though mythically, Hestia never wanted to leave the protected interior under any condition. Even when Dionysos wanted to be admitted to the Greek Pantheon, Hestia gladly relinquished her royal position because she simply did not want to be out, known, or exposed. In many ways, this act put the Goddess Hestia in the role of the thirteenth fairy, the uninvited, unacknowledged guest. We must ask ourselves when Hestia retired herself from view, what became unrecognized in the essential feminine nature? Through the patriarchy’s steady devaluation of the feminine, the contemporary woman has lost her quintessential, central core, which should be carried inside of her soul, unseen, like Hestia’s ember. Instead, she carries something representative of her sacred nature on the outside, on her shoulder or in her hand, as she leaves home gripping her purse. The authentic feminine essence of the modern her lost powers, an aberrant behavior, which manifests from the patriarchal culture’s pathology. Because her interior world has been so dishonored, today’s woman has extroverted what’s left of her value by carrying her essence in her symbolic sacred container, her purse, in much the same way as she dresses for success by attempting to measure up to the patriarchal values.”

Pamela Poole, writer and blogger , and cofounder of Cowgirl App!,” the app review site that doesn’t smell like Doritos and armpits”, wanted to know the deep and dark secrets of my iPhone. She kindly invited me to share “What is on my iPhone“. Not surprisingly these questions led to some significant psychological insight, which is not surprising as, to my mind, the phone is the Transitional Object of our time. If Freud was alive today I feel sure he would want to analyze his patients phone use ( you can’t imagine how often iPhones come up in session) and he would say, “Sometimes( actually most of the time) a phone is not just a phone.” An iPhone or a Blackberry is not just a phone, rather it is a container loaded with psychological significance. And, I think, that it serves as a kind of long-distance umbilical cord that allows us to feel connected and not-alone, no matter where we are. All you have to do is look at people’s relationship to their phone, and see how it is serves as an ever-present binkey for some, to see what a powerful symbol it it.

I am not going to give away the insights that I uncovered in the interview…as I do hope that you go over to Pamela’ and check it out. I do warn you that a good part of the interview reveals a good deal of my shadowy-silly self, as I even admit my most embarrassing app. Please check out the interview here.

Also, here is a great post about the psychoanalytic symbolism of ordinary objects.

Shopping for Change: Transformational Objects

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One of the first essays I ever published was a piece called “The Search for Sacred Accessories”. The editors at Mode Magazine sadly did not get how clever the title was and they changed the name of the piece to “Practical Magic”, which was a pretty lame title if you ask me. My essay was about an experience in which I found of pair of feathered gloves that I felt convinced would transform me into the person I had always wanted to be. I would, I believed, with the purchase of these Holly-Go-Lightly gloves become my ideal self. Alas, I did not. What in fact happened is that I wore the gloves to a party and when I reached for an appetizer the ostrich feathers caught on fire and they went up in smoke as did my dreams of their being the vehicle to a more perfect manifestation of myself.

Even though the feathered gloves did not allow me to live up to my full potential, I have continued to seek ordinary items that promised to transform me. There have been shoes, dresses, and handbags that all, in their pre-purchase state, promised a new and improved me. However once I purchased the said item, I found that I had a sort of anti-Midsas touch and turned the numinous object into an ordinary one that left me exactly as I was before and turned the object into something much more ordinary than I imagined it to be.

Christopher Bollas, the psychoanalyst and author, would describe what I was doing as an attempt to create a “transformational object”. A “transformational object” gived us the potential for a “transformational experience”. According to Bollas the mother creates for their babies a “transformational process”. Mothers change the internal and external environment to meet the infants needs, but babies do not know that a separate person is performing these functions and so they experience the transformation as a process and not coming from a person. Bollas explains: “We see how hope invested in various objects ( a new job, a move to another country, a vacation, a change of relationship) may both represent a request for a transformational experience and at the same time, continue the ‘relationship’ to an object that signifies the experience of transformation. We know that the advertising world makes its living on the trace of this object.: the advertised product usually promises to alter the subject’s external environment and hence change internal mood. The search for such an experience may generate hope, even a sense of confidence and vision, but although it seems to be grounded in the future tense, in finding something in the future to transform the present.”

Very often, when we want something we are actually wanting the transformational experience. We want the shoes or the trip or the house to give us a different experience of ourselves. Or at least that is something I experienced. I have imagined that when I had the new car, new furniture or that Ferragamo bag that I would be transformed in some permanent way. Only, it has been my experience that objects rarely, if ever, give us the imagined character qualities that we believed they would.

Here is the equation of the transformational object prior to the purchase :

Me+Desired Object=Me as more.

Here is the equation of me after the purchase:

Me+Possessed Object= Me as the same as before, with some initial and temporary excitement and, perhaps, some grief and depression that said object did not make me more than I was before.

That said, there are some shoes in my closet that do have a “Ruby Slipper” quality, in that they remind me in someway of my essence. But, like Dorothy, I had the essence all along and the shoes just reminded me of who I am—they didn’t turn me into something I wasn’t.

Thanks to Bollas, and YEARS of therapy, I now deconstruct my desire. Each time a desire is born I ask myself, “What qualities do I believe that these Black Jimmy Choo Verdict Cutout Sandal’s will give me?” If I am clear that I will be the same once I acquire them then I am feel free to go on longing them, which is not necessarily a good thing as they are ridiculously expensive and, perhaps more importantly, they don’t have them in my size.

This is the Christopher Bollas article that inspired this post.

What King Henry the VIII, Headphones and Chocolate Eclairs Taught Me

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Object: Plus White 5 Minute Bleach Whitening Gel

Lesson: Cheaper can be better. This stuff really works.

Deeper lesson: For years I dreamed of whiter teeth that didn’t come with extreme pain(one session of Crest Whitening Strips hurt my teeth so badly that I thought about pulling them out by the root). Now my teeth are white, totally pain free and I am not a mite happier than I was when my teeth openly displayed my affection for blueberries, black coffee and red wine. Truly, I am no happier. That bit of info may not surprise you. You probably could have told me that. But I think, I believed, on an unconscious level, that whiter teeth would lead to happiness. I was wrong.
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