I am not, in this blog post, going to talk about Star Wars, so stay with me people. Rather, I am going to talk about his much quoted advice of an ancient alien with unusual syntax( subject-object-verb). His advice to Hans Solo, Princess Leah, and their merry band of robots was “Do or not do, there is no try”, and Yoda is not the only alien, or person to give this advice. I hate to quibble with a Grand Jedi Master, as he seems like a nice enough alien, but I think he was wrong on this point. You see, I think that the “no try” advice is problematic, and I think this is especially problematic after any kind of loss.
After a loss of some kind we quickly want to move on and find something else to replace it, filling the void and masking the pain, and it certain instances like with a job it can make logistical and practical sense to do so. However, even then, we are hopefully able to take a moment to at least try the job on in our mind and not just jump in it out of desperation ( I do understand there are of course, times when that isn’t practical, and that financial responsibilities require otherwise). But if there is no risk to life and limb and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs have all been met, then I would suggest that you take a minute, try on some stuff and not be so quick to commit. When there is a void after a loss we might not really know what we want other than not feeling the loss and this is where we can have a tendency to get rebound jobs, rebound relationships and rebound life-decisions-we-might-not other-wise-make-if-we gave-ourselves-a-moment.
Here is how this philosophy of “no try” can be detrimental:
Dating: “It isn’t okay for me to date a lot of people, I need to hurry up and find the one. I need to be in a committed relationship and this one is in front of me so I should take this.” Very often we make that last part of the internal statement a kind of quieter repressed blur, we may not want to know that we are doing this.
Career: “ I need to have a bliss, a passion, a single-minded vision. I need to be absolutely sure and single mindedly focused on making this career happen. I am tool old to be trying something new. It is too late for me to try again. I can’t take a risk, I have a degree in business so I can’t do something that is not in my wheelhouse.” If you feel this way please watch this lecture by Cal Newport or read his book. Bliss and passion are great, as are goals, but they are things that can develop and are not always love at first sight.
Choices: “ I need to know right away if this is the right thing, I can’t try stuff. I need to be absolutely sure. I don’t have time to try. I should know. I should be certain.” Well, if you don’t know you don’t know, give yourself a minute to find out what you really want. Let both sides of the choice be conscious in your mind and let yourself sit in the tension of those opposites. Let your self try on one choice and then another and find our what really fits for you.
Clothes: “I have bought those jeans before, I am not going to try them on. I am just going to buy them.” Clothes sizes vary, even within the same brand. I am only half joking here, it is truth and it is a metaphor. Just because something fit before it doesn’t mean it fits now. You have changed. Their pattern maker has changed. Take the time to try it on. No ‘to buy or no by, there is no try’, take the time to try. Yes, I know, Yoda never said that. Yoda wasn’t much of a shopper.
My “try” story
Two years ago today-ish, I decided to “try” to write The Next Happy. Now, let me be clear what I mean about “try”—I didn’t not work; I worked a lot. I wrote a pitch. I went to a conference. I pitched the book. I got an agent. I did everything the agent told me to do. There was a lot of work in this “try” attitude of mine. When I say ‘try’, I mean that I was relaxed and easy and kind of chill about trying to make this happen. ‘Try’ for me is more about giving it a shot but still working hard on it and being a little more detached about the outcome. Yes, of course, I wanted it to happen, which is why I kept doing stuff to try and make it happen. The difference between this and the focus, tenacity, and “it must happen” attitude of a goal or a vision or a “I must have this” I had around trying to conceive was a world a part, no, actually, it was a couple of universes apart.
“Try” is like trying something on in a dressing room. Goodness gracious, you don’t buy a swimsuit or a pair of jeans without “trying” them on. It would be super unreasonable to expect that you would have a perfect fit or a perfect pair of jeans without trying them on first. You could, but you would likely be pretty disappointed. You need to see if it fits before you commit( the ghost of Johnny Cochran is haunting me).
One of the gifts of grieving my dream of having a baby was that I didn’t have a whole lot of energy for “BIG dreams” afterwards. I was tired and depleted by that big dream and I didn’t have it in me to dream again. I somehow knew that it wasn’t wise to immediately jump into another dream and so I started to just try stuff on and see what happened and follow where my energy was, and I didn’t need that energy to be bliss, passion, certainty, clarity or vision. It could be just a simple feeling of wanting to read something or do something or take a class. There was no longer big attachment to the outcome and, let me tell you, that was a big relief. It feels so nice to be able to pursue an interest or a hope and not have it consume me in the way having a baby did (all my eggs in one basket and all my happiness dependent on that one thing did not make me happy). I am much happier trying stuff and seeing what happens, and ultimately being okay no matter what happens.
So, I apologize Yoda, we will just have to agree to disagree on this one.
And to you, dear reader, may the force of try be with you.
I really love your post !
It was that classic way of masking the pain. I started too many different things at the same time – absolutely busy at all – but then I realized that none of these plans and ideas really worked for me. And I wondered – because before my infertility story I looked forward to that goals. In fact I was only busy in the planning phase – but I was lost in details and didn´t made the next necessary steps. Self-Sabotage 
I went back to the zero point and started to think about my actual motivation behind. After that I made a new list with all my real dreams and hopes today and tried to figure out on which ways I could reach them by loving what I do. And then I defined bigger milestones to make sure to go ahead. And decided that there must be a big fun part on everything I do. Making sure that the way was fun – no matter what the outcome would be one day. Today I only follow the route that I really like to follow. No more no less. And this is really great after all that years of weary treatments and lifetime-consuming efforts of becoming a mother.
I think my way was a little bit different – but I found the same key
In the first months after giving up the dream of motherhood I also had not much energy. But after that period I suddenly had too much of it
Then I had a break….stopping all projects….so what ?
xoxo from the german CNBC-side of life
Isa
Bella und Isa, Fun as a requirement seems so very wise, as if the action is fun then, at least for me, then the outcome isn’t as important—fun along the way makes the destination not as urgent. I know that there was nothing-nothing-nothing fun about infertility treatment. Again, no matter how we found the key,as long as we did–that is what matters. Finding the motivation of the goal for me is also paramount and helps me understand if the goal is even pursuing, it was a game changer to explore that piece of it. Truly, thank you so very much for your comment and sharing how you opened to “try” and fun!!!!
I think he’s being quoted out of context. It’s like a person saying “I’ll try to be a good husband” as opposed to “I’ll be a good husband”; ‘I’ll try to remember your birthday next year” as opposed to “I’ll remember your birthday next year”; “I’ll try to do it the way you want” as opposed to “I’ll do it the way you want”. When a person says they will, they make themselves 100% accountable. When a person says I’ll try, they’re straddling the fence…maybe I’ll succeed, maybe I won’t…so don’t hold me accountable. Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would want someone in their life who isn’t willing to be 100% accountable. A very thoughtful post if Yoda is left out of it. You look at your options the way that works best for yourself, and you work hard at your own pace…a very positive attitude. Enjoyed reading your thoughts.
I will admit, Yvonne, I may not fully have got Yoda in context. That said, as you wisely suggested, if You leave Yoda out if it…people do misuse ‘try’ as a dirty word. Try and dilettante are sort of in the same boat. Dilettante used to mean “to delight in” and now it means you are a flibbertigibbet. I want room for more “try” in the culture and less jumping to “the one”. Thanks for your comment and for helping me to see another side to what Yoda may be saying;I very much appreciate your thoughtful input.
I recently finished reading your book, “The Next Happy.” I have recently discovered through professional counseling, that my mother was narcissistic. It certainly answers a lot of questions. The sections of your book that particularly touched me were when you discussed actually letting go of the dream before beginning a new one, and the symbolic meeaning of the dream. I realized that I went from one extremely lofty dream to the next, each based on some kind of fame or recognition. I never let the first dream, my childhood dream, die. I always subconsciously hoped that maybe that dream could somehow still happen for me. I realize now, through therapy and a lot of reading, that at the age of 41 I really have no idea of what I want or who I am. I knew something wasn’t right with my family, but I didn’t realize it was maternal narcissim. I’m highly educated and have a professional degree. After being miserable in several employment positions, one in particular that somehow felt like a replay of childhood trauma, I decided that it was time to get to teh bottom of it. I am married to a wonderful man whom I am now completely financially dependent on, which is not helping my happiness or sense of self worth. After investing so much money on the education and chasing all of these dreams, only to end up completely dependent on someone and a failure in my chosen career, it is very difficult to face the fact that I have not been living my own life. I appreciate your blog on trying. It’s so important! I wish I had realized this concept a long time ago, but I understand it now. I put all of my eggs in one basket chasing a career that was meant to get me to my dream. Both the career and the dream were equally unlikely to achieve! I had blinders on and so did not enjoy “the ride” at all, and did not take the time to try other things. As a result, I feel stuck in a career that isn’t making me happy, have faced giving up on several “dreams” that were attempts at filling the void of the first one, and am in a completely dependent relationship. It’s so much more complicated than it needed to be! Thank you for your book ad the blog. You’re helping me to change.
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Thank you so much for this comment. I am pleased more than I can say that The NEXT HAPPY and the blog has helped you in some way, that means so very much to me. I resolutely and profoundly believe in the value of understanding why we wanted the dream so much and what it represented, it is hugely important in getting to the next happy. Also, YES, while it can be hard to let the land rest empty before venturing on the next thing, I believe it makes all the difference—I am so pleased that resonated with you. Trying and waiting and seeing and not putting all those eggs in one pan in one big dream basket, is, I believe a big benefit that comes from having let go of the big DREAMS! I had no idea that there were so many other beautiful baskets to try until I let go of my dream. Thank you so much for generously sharing your story. Again, thank you, your comment means so very much to me. I hope you visit again!!
All the best,
Tracey
Thank for this post. I am reading your book Next Happy right now. I found your blog as a person trying to get over my inability to have children. Unable to have a baby, I put all my eggs in my career basket and didn’t get a promotion I worked toward for 7 years. The last 6 months, I have been grieving that work loss and your book has been really helpful. My prior knee jerk reaction would have been to immediately find a new job. The past 6 months, I have been stayed in my job and have been taking the approach suggested by your book and this post. That happened before I started reading your book, but reading your book and this post is at least affirming my decisions were the right thing to do and being validated is immensely helpful. Thank you for your book and keep writing – I’m sure you are helping more people than me.
Thank you so very very much Maria. I am so happy you found my blog and my book. I am more pleased than I can say that my book is a comfort. Truly, thank you for taking the time to say so. I really feel like letting the land lay fallow for a bit before leaping into the next things is extremely important. Again, thank you so very much Maria—your lovely comment is extremely validating and affirming.